On Marriage

I have just started reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, this morning. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Gilbert, she wrote the book Eat Pray Love, which exploded into a huge bestseller. She has also written several other books and worked as a journalist for a while. One of her journalism articles actually inspired the movie Coyote Ugly. Hollywood has also turned Eat Pray Love into a movie, which Julia Roberts is starring in. It comes out in August.

Anyway, I love to start a new book on the subway, first thing in the morning. I find delving into a new story and new characters to be a treat, like eating ice cream, and I can’t wait to read more tonight after work. I just finished A Gate at the Stairs by Lorrie Moore, a book that I would also recommend. I am very excited about reading Committed because I am hoping that it will also bring me some peace and help me to understand my own feelings about marriage.

Since I have a serious boyfriend and have recently turned 25, I have been getting more and more “pressure” to get married. I say “pressure” because that is how I interpret it and how it makes me feel when people are constantly asking me the marriage questions. I have co-workers, neighbors, family members, as well as others all dropping the marriage hints and questions from time to time. (One neighbor even told me recently just to get pregnant, then I would be sure to get Shawn to marry me…ugh thanks, but no thanks!)

For some reason, when people bring up marriage I usually just kind of laugh and say, I don’t know what is going on, or not I am not getting married next in the family. The questions always leave me feeling not to great and with lots of questions like, why aren’t I engaged? Does Shawn not want to marry me? Should we be getting married since we have been together almost four years? Since he hasn’t asked me yet, does that mean that he is never going to ask me?

Once some time has passed and I explore all of these questions and more again and again, I always realize one simple thing: I am not ready to get married. Could it be because I am only 25 and don’t see what the rush is? Could it be that Shawn and I have only been together for four years? Could it be that I have only had one job since I graduated from college and don’t feel like I have even begun exploring my career yet? Or is it because my parents are divorced and many of my friends parents have divorced, so I know what its like to go through a divorce and how awful it is for all parties involved. While a breakup are just as hard, it’s got to be easier than having to legally separate yourself from someone. I am always left feeling the same, I want to know that Shawn wants to eventually marry me, but I don’t want to get engaged or married now, and maybe not for quite some time. Who knows, this may change soon or in a long time.

I hope that I am not putting too much faith in this new book Committed, because I don’t want to feel disappointed by it. It may not bring me any peace or understanding of marriage, but I hope it does. I feel like there is more that I want to do with my life before I make that final commitment for marriage. I want to at least have worked at one or more other jobs, I want to maybe go back to school, I want to make more friends and find some more things that I am interested in getting involved in. I also can’t seem to forget something my friends mother told me once. She said not to get married before turning 30, because she said that people change a lot between the ages of 20 and 30. I don’t know if she is right or not, people probably change throughout their lives. I think that some relationships can weather the changes and adapt, while others can’t survive.

I would like to wrap this up, by saying that I love weddings and I respect my friends and family members who are planning on getting married shortly or have been married recently. I hope that they all have a lifetime of happiness together and I am glad for them that they are ready to make that commitment.