What I am reading right now

Little Bee by Chris Cleave is a really really great book. I have not been able to put it down. It is about a refuge from Nigeria who makes it to London after surviving some sad and scary things. It is really beautifully written. I would highly recommend it!

Some final (for now) thoughts on marriage

I finished the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert recently and I really liked the book. I felt like it explored topics and questions regarding marriage in a way that I have never seen before in other books that I have read. By the end, I was anxious to finish the book because I found that it was kind of beating a dead horse. I was happy at the end when she seemed to realize that marriage is what you and your partner want it to be.

Here are some of the interesting points and facts that were raised in the second half of the book:

• Marriage does not benefit women as much as it benefits men, this is called the marriage benefit imbalance. Married men live longer than single men, they accumulate more wealth than single men, excel at their careers more than single men, ect.
  
• Women on the other hand, married women do not live longer than single women, they do not accumulate more wealth than single women, they are less healthy, do not thrive in their careers to the extent that single women do, and they are more likely to die a violent death than single women (usually at the hands of their husbands).
• A poet, Jack Gilbert, said that marriage is what happens between the memorable, in the parts that are the same everyday. "Marriage is those two thousand indistinguishable conversations, chatted over some two thousand indistinguishable breakfasts, where intimacy turns like a slow wheel."
• A Polish philosopher Zygmunt Bauman said that couples were all trying to find balance in their marriages. People are trying to have their marriages "empower without disempowering, enable without disabling, fulfill without burdening."

In the end, Gilbert realized that it was couples that have the control over marriage. I really enjoyed this part, it felt like she was reclaiming the power of marriage that she had obviously felt that she had lost or had never had.

"It is not we as individuals, then, who must bend uncomfortably around the institution of marriage; rather, it is the institution of marriage that has to bend uncomfortably around us."

I think that I am still not ready to get married, but at least while reading this book I was able to explore so many interesting things about marriage and realize some of the issues that I had with it. I agreed with Gilbert in the end, that we are in control of our own relationships. Marriages are all different. That is kind of comforting, knowing that there isn't really a normal and that we can all stop comparing notes with each other because its an individual thing. So, read this book. I think you would enjoy it!

The History of Marriage

I thought that my post on marriage was getting a little long there, so I decided to break it up a bit. I do want to put some information on here about the history of marriage because it is so interesting and had such unexpected twists and turns (at least I wasn't expecting them!)

Perhaps you can tell just how much I am actually enjoying this book, Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, since I feel so inspired to share the information in the book with my friends and family and the people who read this blog (Hi mom! Hi Sean! haha)

What is so interesting about the history of marriage is how much it has changed throughout the years. Gilbert says, and I really really hope that she is right about this, that because marriage has constantly been evolving and changing, this means that gay marriage could some day definitely be legalized. YEA!!! Can this happen sooner rather than later people haha!!

Gilbert says, and I agreed with her, that legalized same sex marriage is coming to the U.S., because it will eventually become a federal court decision, which means that it will be up to American courts, not churches to settle the gay marriage debate. She also says that gay marriage could actually save marriage, which is on the decline everywhere because straight people do not trust it anymore.

So onto the history of marriage, here are a few points that I found to be very interesting.

• Christianity once condemned marriage because they did not see it as holy and sanctified and instead called for celibacy.
• Marriage was used as a form of wealth management and social order in the Middle Ages
• It wasn't until Queen Victoria walked down the aisle in the 19th century in a white wedding gown that women started to have big white romantic weddings.
• It wasn't until 1215 that the church got involved in marriages and divorce became illegal.
• When coverture came into existence women's individual existence became erased the moment she got married. She had no legal rights and no property rights.
  
• In 1975, women in the U.S. could not legally open checking accounts and take out loans without their husbands written permission
• It wasn't until 1984 that New York overturned the legal notion called martial rape exemption, which meant that men could do anything sexual they wanted to their wives because they legally owned their bodies.
• In 1970 a law was passed that said that any American woman who wanted to marry a foreign man had to give up their citizenship, but this did not apply to American men
• In 1967, interracial marriage became legal. Before that, couples could be arrested and jailed.
• The 2010 census is documenting same sex couples as married.

Seriously, if you enjoyed these facts, read this book. There are many many other interesting ones in the book!

An Examination of Marriage Part 1

I am more than half-way through reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have been reading it much slower than most books, because I have been trying make sure I absorb all of the information and give myself time to think about it as well. I have been enjoying the book a lot, there is a lot of fascinating information in it and the topics that it explores are very interesting.

"There is no greater risk than matrimony, but there is nothing happier than a happy marriage."
-Benjamin Disraeli, 1870

Gilbert says that she first got married at the age of 25 without understanding anything about the institution of marriage or thinking much about it. (I am sure that this is true for a lot of people.)

During the book, she speaks with some Hmong women and finds that they have very different marriages than Western women. They don't expect their husbands to be their best friends, intimate confidants, emotional advisers, intellectual equal and comforter during their times of sorrow, instead they get a lot of their support from other women. Hmong women also do not put their marriage in the center of their emotional biography the way that Western women do, Gilbert says in the book.

Gilbert also says that because women have so many choices they live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision and are often terrified that every choice they make might be the wrong one. (I know that I definitely suffer from this!)

"There is one critical gift that a traditional Hmong bridge almost always receives on her wedding day which all too often eludes the modern western bride, and that is the gift of certainty. When you have only one path set before you, you can generally fell confident that it was the correct path to have taken," the book says.

Another point made in the book which I found interesting is what women expect from their marriages. Gilbert says that women ask for and expect happiness from their marriages (which is actually a really big request if you think about it.)

A recent study actually found that women want to be inspired by their husbands. So, are we asking too much of love and marriage?

"Marriage becomes hard work once you have poured the entirety of your life's expectations for happiness into the hands of one mere person. Keeping that going is hard work," the book says.

I think that maybe women do sometimes expect too much from their marriages. That is something that I never thought about before reading this book. We all kind of expect to get married and then live happily ever after. No wonder every one says that marriage is hard work. Perhaps we should instead have our husband be just a part of our happiness. We need to find our own inner happiness and rely on friends and family for emotional support and inspiration, so that it doesn't all fall on one person. It seems like asking for all of that could let you down and lead to failure.

Another topic that is very interesting in the book is about the failure of marriages. Gilbert says that marriages based on love are just as fragile as love itself, and anything that the heart chooses, it can unchoose later.

In the mid-1800s social conservatives were saying that the trend towards expressive individualism in marriage would be the breakdown of society. They predicted that allowing couples to make life matches based purely on love and the whims of personal affections would lead to astronomical divorce rates and bitterly broken homes. The fact that this has actually played out today is pretty eerie I think.

The Holmes-Rahe stress level scale actually says that the death of a close family member is less stressful than a divorce. Divorce is second on the stress list, only behind the death of a spouse.

The divorce statistics say that the younger you get married, the more likely you are to get divorced. You are two to three times more likely to get divorced if you marry in your teens or early twenties than if you wait until your thirties and forties. However, 25 is the magic cut off point, if you get married before the age of 25 you are more likely to get divorced than if you wait until the age of 26 to get married, the book says.

"An old Polish adage warns: Before going to war, say one prayer. Before going to sea, say two prayers Before getting married, say three."

Some other interesting things raised in the book:

• In the Symposium by Plato, there is a mythical story of why humans have such deeps desires to be in a romantic relationship with others. The story says that humans used to be two people joined together, seamlessly united into one person. Zeus punished the humans for their neglect to the gods by cutting these humans into two, so for the rest of time, people have been born sensing that they are not whole and have spent their lives searching for their other half. "This is the singular fantasy of human intimacy: that one plus one will somehow, someday, equal one."

• Gilbert also examines the difference between infatuation and love, stating that infatuation leads to "intrusive thinking" where you can't concentrate on anything but the person you have fallen for. She even says that scientists have recently found that the brain scans and mood swings of an infatuated lover look similar to the brain scans of a cocaine addict. Infatuation is an addiction.
  

• "Real, sane, mature love - the kind that pays the mortgage year after year and picks up the kids after school - is not based on infatuation but on affection and respect."
  

New Cookbook: Dishing Up Vermont

I saw this post on a blog I read from time to time, by someone who writes about restaurants in Astoria, N.Y. and other parts of NYC. Since I live in Astoria, I am always looking for new restaurants in the area to try and because I don't have much money, its nice to go somewhere that someone else has tried first, to see what their experience was.

Anyway, this blogger The Foodista wrote about a new book that was coming out called Dishing Up Vermont by Tracey Medeiros. Since I am from Vermont, I am interested in checking out this book to see what kind of recipes it has in it.

There is an event for the book in NYC at Murray's Cheese Shop in the East Village, you can read more about this at here:

http://www.foodistanyc.com/2010/03/win-murrays-cheese-event-dishing-up.html

NYT: Divorced Before Puberty

I saw this story recently in the New York Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/04/opinion/04kristof.html

Its an article about Nujood Ali, a third grader in Yemen who has already been married and divorced at such a young age. I would like to read her book someday, it sounds like a scary and interesting story.

The author of this article also recently wrote a new book called Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide, along with his wife. It sounds like a great book, although I have not yet read it.

http://www.halftheskymovement.org/

Good Non-Fiction Reads

1. The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
A celebrity journalist reveals her secret in this amazing book. The author grew up in extreme poverty and was able to get herself out and make a life for herself, while her parents remained homeless. A truly inspiring book.


2. Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
Krakauer investigates why and what happened when 24-year-old Chris McCandless decided to leave civilization behind and head into the remote Alaskan wilderness. This is the kind of book that makes you really appreciate journalism and wonder how Krakauer found all of the information out. Read the book before seeing the movie!
3. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
GoodReads really sums this book up well. "A memoir of self-discovery, Eat, Pray, Love is about what can happen when you claim responsibility for your own contentment. It is also about the adventures that can transpire when a woman stops trying to live in imitation of society's ideals. This is a story certain to touch anyone who has ever woken up to the unrelenting need for change."


4. Dry by Augusten Burroughs
Follow Augusten Burroughs, who wrote Running with Scissors, through his journey in getting sober. This book is both chillingly scary at times and very funny.


5. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote
In amazing criminal reporting, Capote recreates the 1959 murder of a Kansas farm family and the investigation that led to the capture, trial and execution of the killers.


6. Random Family by Adrian Nicole LeBlanc
This book is based on 10 years of reporting by the journalist that wrote this book. It gives you an inside look at the life of drug dealing, jail and the hard life that goes along with it. If you have a general curiosity about these things, you will enjoy this book.

Books I've read since 2010

I read all of the time, on the train, sometimes during my lunch break and before bed every night. Here are the books I have read since the New Year.

(I am currently reading the Lost Symbol by Dan Brown.)

1. Angels & Demons by Dan Brown
2. Tears of the Giraffe by Alexander McCall Smith
3. Morality for Beautiful Girls by Alexander McCall Smith
4. Mercy by Jodi Picoult
5. The Kalahari Typing School for Men by Alexander McCall Smith
6. Full Cupboard of Life by Alexander McCall Smith
7. Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

I have been reading the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series by Alexander McCall Smith, and if you aren't familiar with these books, I highly recommend them. I have read half of the books in the series so far. The series follows a woman who is a detective in Botswana. They are full of beautiful morals and interesting tales. They aren't action packed books, but have nice stories. In my opinion, they are feel good books and they also make me want to learn more about Botswana. The book describes the Botswana landscape and culture, so you can picture the country and the people there in your mind. Maybe someday, I will be able to go visit.

To see what else I am reading, check out this Web site.

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/173451